4 Signs She’s Going to Dump Your Sorry Behind

So You Think You’re a Heartbreaker? Most likely you don’t, particularly if you’ve gravitated to this periodical. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

But what you probably do think, is that you’re in some sort of control of your relationship, flying the plane if you will.


Well perhaps you are.


Ha ha. I didn’t mean that. No one writing for this section meant that. After all, a wise woman once said, when someone breaks up with you, they seldom thought of doing it that day, most often they were thinking about it for a while. Like getting a drastic haircut, dumping your sorry ass is something that women actually do give some consideration to.


 Here are four signs that she’s probably going to dump your sorry ass. 


She suddenly waxes, lasers or dramatically shaves… down there.  This men, is an almost universal sign that your woman is thinking of giving you a kick to the curb that you’ll never forget (or she’s shagging some other dude, go figure).   It’s okay for you see her nasty, unkempt cooch, but not some new guy. It’s the new guy she’s looking to impress. She wants to impress you the way she wants impress Old Man Cruthers. Get ready.


She’s not just over you, she’s over your friends. In the beginning, she wanted to be invited to hang with you and your peeps, because she felt included, and she liked you and thus wanted to impress the special people in your life. Please. Now she’s suddenly so not interested in going to a UFC midget marathon at the local tavern that has the woodchips and albatross piss on the floor with Skunk, Gunner and Danny-the-Drunk anymore. She’s busy. Their company and yours does not matter anymore. How can you be sure this is the case with your girl? WELL, when was the last time she hung out with you and your bros and how did she act? Like Blair from the Facts of Life? MmmHmmm.


It’s not just that you’re not funny anymore, it’s that you’re also no longer cute. Back in the day, you always said the right thing, and even when you didn’t, she gave you a mercy laugh that would fool Supreme Court judges. Back in these good old days, the things you did were adorable—she’d tell her friends about how you like to bite individual Kix puffs in half with your teeth, and how you like to take four Advils when you have a hangover like a budding crackhead. Well now, nothing you do has that kind of cutie-pie-charisma. She’s giving you lots of blank stares as if you’re just some old man in the park feeding the pigeons and of no real consequence to your life. Because you’re not.


Touching of any sort is a no-go. I’m not just talking about sexy-time, which should be an obvious sign that you need not read an article about—I’m talking about a woman who has no interest in holding your hand anymore or having you put your arm around her. Holding your hand would be like holding hands with her dad or her weird Uncle Jessie. It just feels… against God’s plan. She’s letting your hand drop every time you thread your fingers through hers and wriggling out from your grip every time you wrap your arm around her. It’s as if you have raging b.o.  and she’s had all she can take.