Decoding the Facebook 7

Suffering from obscure Facebook status updates? Here a guide on what your friends are really trying to say. 

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

The Facebook status is the new window to the soul. And if you want to be “hip” and “now” there’s really only one thing you can do:

Have a status that makes your Facebook friends go “WTF?”


Here’s some helpful insights to what your friends are really trying to say…


Tammy (about an hour ago): Ugh… why do people gotta be like that?

What they’re really trying to say: You know who you are, Brenda! You stupid bitch! I hope you read this and you’re all like, “is she talking about me?” and I’m like, “you bet your f-cking ass I am!” and she’ll keep checking my status all the time – wondering if I’m really mad. Then, next weekend at the movies all be all nice and she’ll be like, “what’s going on?”


Todd (a few moments ago): I think she’s the one!

What they’re really trying to say: Blonde, funny,sooooo cute. I can’t wait until she graduates and then she can finally move out of her parent’s house and into my parent’s house! Then, and only then, can I show her what being eighteen is all about.


Rachel changed her relationship status to “It’s complicated” with Bill.

What they’re really trying to say: I can’t just dump him. I mean, it’s testicular cancer. Everyone will think I’m a bitch if I just dump him. This way I can screw around with whoever I want while his ball-sack rots away over time, and I can still look like I care.


Mike (17hours ago): Living the dream!

What they’re really saying: I have no job. I have no girlfriend. I have no cash, prospects, or reason to live… But goddamnit – I have a ticket to the WWE Royal Rumble.  


Steve just checked-in at the Cassidy Wedding.

What they’re really trying to say:  I got it. You want it. I don’t care if one of the bridesmaids has VD, or not – tonight is Steve’s night to shine!


Christy (two days ago): RIP MOM (1948-2010)

What they’re really saying: I think I have a urinary tract infection.


TJ (about an hour ago): No day but today!

What they’re really saying: So I’m quoting “RENT.” So what? So, sue me! Shit… Does my Dad have a Facebook account? Wait… No he doesn’t… Shit… Does he? I think he does! Delete!!! Delete!!!


Laura (5 hours ago): Video Killed the Radio Star.

What they’re really saying: I stabbed Ryan Seacrest.


Craig (two hours ago): It’s looking bright outside… finally.

What they’re really trying to say: I have a healthy hatred of Asian people.


Melissa just Checked-In at the Cassidy Wedding with Steve and 3 others.

What they’re really saying: Steve doesn’t know it yet, but he’s going to wake up with Hepatitis of the “C” variety.


Keep it tuned to CraveOnline for more Decoding the Facebook!