If there’s one thing the internet has taught us it’s that the majority of people are downright idiots. Whether it’s the 12 year-old desperately trying to be “FIRST!” or the 20 year-old detailing how much of a “FAG” he is for doing so, everyone seems to go online for the sole purpose of annoying each other.
It’s difficult to accept but at some point or another we have all been commenters, some more respectable than others. But which are you?
The Little Pervert
You’ve just managed to grow your first handful of pubic hair and now you fancy yourself as something of a boobies connoisseur, regularly stumbling across makeup tutorials and filling the comments section with graphic details concerning what you would do the tutor.
Your unflappable erection doesn’t just limit itself to makeup tutorials, though: anything featuring a female exposing even the slightest amount of cleavage will leave you so inexplicably horny that typing a completely unpunctuated and horrifically misspelt response will seem like the only reasonable option.
In a couple of years you will have grown out of your amazement at the female form, however, and will instead spend your spare time clicking on makeup tutorials to question why the tutor isn’t in the kitchen making you a sandwich.
The Voice of Logic & Reasoning
By day you are Steve: bored IT technician with 3 children and a wife whom you suspect may be cheating on you with your boss. But by night, you are STEVE: vigilante of the internet, bringing truth and justice to the far reaches of the comments section.
At least, that’s what you’d like to think. In reality you’re almost as bad as the little twits engaging in their online cock-swinging contest, but instead of hurling homophobic insults you simply correct everyone’s grammar and keep trying to enforce your blindingly obvious opinion using a multitude of reference points and links to various sites that no one is ever going to click on.
You look at your watch. It’s 2.06am. You’ve spent 4 hours writing an 18 paragraph response to a 250-word article that no one is ever going to read. Your kids are crying. Where’s your wife? Oh, that’s right. She’s out drinking with the “girls” again.
You’re the commenter whom all internet content creators fear. Armed only with your acid tongue and your massive inferiority complex, you surf the internet and prey on those in the spotlight, hoping to chip away at their ego’s until they’re nothing but quivering wrecks.
You’re the kind of guy who would click on an article written by a 17 year-old orphaned humanitarian trying to raise awareness of sex trafficking, and choose to respond by saying that she’s “a little bit chubby” with “crooked teeth”.
Your ruthlessness and willingness to tell the “truth” would be slightly admirable, if not for the fact that your username is “AnonymousGuy1234” and your avatar photo is of a cartoon hamster giving the finger.
The Overwhelmed Young Girl
You have an overwhelming distaste for the space bar, and spend most of your time searching for new, average pop singers to squeal at. You type in a code language that is extraordinarily difficult to decipher (I call it “drivel”) and discuss the subject matter (the aforementioned average pop singers) in a terrifyingly devoted manner that would lead some members of society to deem you “terminally insane”.
Any comment you leave instantly paints the picture of you, all acne-ridden and tearful, smashing your forehead against your keyboard because you just can’t comprehend how beautiful RPatz is.
You’ve always fancied yourself as the funniest guy in the office/dorm/class, and the internet is the perfect place to showcase your material. What initially started out as a wry comment on a Fox News YouTube video eventually snowballed into a full-blown addiction, with you unable to let any video/article/Facebook comment slide without lending your own comedic viewpoint.
As the thumbs and likes keep piling in, you have found yourself thoroughly convinced that the internet has been looking for someone as rip-roaringly hilarious as you, convincing you to finally open up a Twitter account and take your “routine” there. 140 characters and 0 new followers/retweets later you realise that Twitter doesn’t offer you the validation that YouTube does. Back to making slightly homophobic jokes about Justin Bieber for you, then.
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