Once again, the good folks at CraveOnline have asked me to brave the unknown and venture forth into another dimension, risking life and limb for a few more hits on their Comedy Channel. Telling me that if I didn’t go, I’d never see my friends or family again.
I swallowed my pride and agreed to the journey, stepping inside the CraveOnline Dimensional Portal (patent pending).
The destination: Earth#45.
My Target: Dame Helen Mirren.
Proud owner of an Oscar, three Golden Globes, four Emmys, and the sweetest cans you’ll ever see on a sixty-year-old (see Caligula (1979)).
I was able to catch up with Helen Mirren in Earth#45’s version of Surrey, England. I was told she could be found performing at one of Surrey’s hottest strip clubs, “The Cat and the String,” dancing under the name, “Able Mabel.”
As I first approached Dame Helen, she looked at me with sultry contempt. I then took a seat near the main stage, where I placed several British pounds on the table. My bait for her attention.
She stumbled over to me, gin and tonic in hand, wearing only a g-string.
HM: Care for a dance, young man?
CK: Um, actually I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions.
HM: Who do you work for? Big John? Tell that bloody f-cker he’ll have his money Tuesday!
CK: Actually, I write for an online entertainment website.
HM: Like “Hustler?”
CK: No… er, at least, not yet, anyways. I just want to ask you some things.
HM: Nothin’s free, Charlie.
CK: It’s Christian, and, um — here you go. (handing her a few more pounds)
HM: Ask away.
CK: What I’m going to tell you… it may shock you at first.
HM: Oh, nothin’ shocks me anymore. Not since I started doing the “ping-pong” bit.
CK: The “ping-pong” bit?
HM: Ten more pounds to see it. Twenty, if you want me to shoot them at your face.
CK:… No, that’s cool. Dame Helen, I come from a different planet. Another dimension. And on my world, you are one of the most respected, revered, and talented actresses of all time.
HM: Got any coke?
CK: … Sorry, no.
HM: This is boring. How about I give you a dance?
CK: I’m fine, really. Are you listening to me? You have an Academy Award on my planet.
HM: Let’s slip in the back and I’ll show what the real, “West End.”
CK: How did you get into exotic dancing?
HM: I started young, ‘round fifteen. I’ve danced all over the place. Piccadilly, Manchester, Sanford, Gloustershire – you name it.
CK: I suppose that performance is something you’ve always been drawn to?
HM: At first it was for the money. But once the owners get the hooks in you — you’re in it for life.
CK: What hooks?
HM: Crank, speed — hard stuff.
CK: I don’t mean to be rude, but there is some blood coming out of your nose.
(She wipes the blood away)
HM: Don’t let it worry you, it always happens when I take one bump too many.
CK. Wow. Do you have any messages for your Helen Mirren counterpart on my version of Earth?
HM: “You can take a girl out of an opium den, but you can’t take the opium den out of the girl.”
CK: I’m going to leave now. It was nice meeting you Dame Helen.
HM: You take care sweetie.
She blows me a kiss, and downs the rest of her drink in one gulp. I walk alone out into the cold English night, bewildered a searching for the man I once was.
Keep it tuned to CraveOnline for more Alternate Earth Interviews!