Your Alternative Bucket List

 Listen, anyone can climb Mount Everest, but it takes a special type of person to run jam through his toes. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings


I’m serious here. Do you really need to see the Taj Mahal or visit the top of the Empire State Building? There are a billion of other people on the planet who think that is exactly what they need. And those people, don’t have an f-ing clue what they need in life. They think a snow globe is going to make them happy.

Relinquish the needs that the world tells you to have. Develop new ones, such as the gems I point out here. You’ll never be the same. In fact, some people will call you a nutter. And it's better to be a nutter than stand in line at the gift shop.

Step on piece of bread and jam barefoot. Preferably soft, white bread and raspberry jam. I tried this once by accident and it was one of the greatest moments of my life. A roommate of mine was having a "carpet picnic" and I accidentally stepped on her jam and bread. Right in the middle. And it was so freeing.  The sweet squishy jam between my toes sliding off the ball of my foot. I couldn’t have been happier. I did hobble to the bathroom to wash off my foot, but I truly wish I had taken longer to enjoy the sensation.

Lie about your profession.

I’m an architect.

Have you designed any buildings in New York?

Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?

You did that?

Yep. And it didn’t take very long either.  –NBC Seinfeld Episode ten, Season six

Who can forget this hilarious boldfaced lie that just floated and flickered off Costanza’s tongue? It’s so admirable and so shameless. It’s admirable because it’s shameless. You, my dear reader, need to aspire to that type of divine b.s. and what fun it can be! I was once went to an actor-party and told everyone I was a casting director! Hoo ha! It exposed not only how two words can change everything in an instant, but it also showcased the desperation, manipulation and calculated cunningness of a group of young people.

Let a dog step on your face. I don’t mean bestiality or other freaky-deakiness, I just mean, hey, why not make a nice salute to man’s best friend, and let one walk on your face? It’s like acupuncture, relieving some of the tight pressure points in your skull. Plus, you’ll be forced to look at a dog in a whole new way, like a magic eye diagram. Or Mel Gibson after his first drunken rant in 2006.  

Stand up to rudeness. Next time you’re in a movie theatre and someone is talking, texting, chatting on cell or kicking your seat, I want you to jump up and call them out on it. Don’t give them the “half-turn” of your head, don’t sigh or complain loudly to your friend and definitely don’t change your seat. Spring to your feet, good sir! And I want you to scream like flames are coming out of your mouth in some Bugs Bunny cartoon. Tell this person to stop and put the fear of God into them. It’ll be like growing an extra dick— which I’m going to put on my next bucket list.