Men who used to be Men.

These guys used to be awesome, representing balls and ingenuity. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

Until each of them shacked up with some woman who wrapped her fist so tightly around their balls and squeezed until they lost all sense of self, resigning themselves to act like pouffy little lap dogs with two legs and a limp fettucine d!ck.

Ashton Kutcher

I don’t care how much he tweets and how effervescent he seems these days, he’s in a relationship with a velociraptor. Demi Moore would smash his face through a plate glass window  if he wore shoes that clashed with her bag, and he knows it. It’s hard to relax with that kind of pressure and no wonder his last 18 films have been flops. He’s trying to perform on set at gun point. Can you imagine days when he has a love scene in the film? A hundred bucks says Demi is present on set, shooting daggers at anything with ovaries. Yah-yikes. I just can’t imagine what it would be like to lay unconscious in bed and in the dark with that woman.  It be like trying to cuddle up to a rattle snake.

Matthew Broderick

Save Ferris!! Awww. This one truly makes me very sad. He used to have a brilliant career—War Games, Glory, The Freshmen! What the hell happened? Well I’ll tell you. He shacked up with a Barbie doll whose moronified series about sex and shoes overshadowed the poor man, stripping him of fame, causing him to live in the shadow of a woman whose onscreen character was dating someone named “Mr. Big.” She probably forced him to have brunch and go shopping with the girls! How can we expect him to hold onto his hair after that? Or a sense of self-worth?

Brad Pitt

Alas. This one should act as a cautionary tale to ye all. Aye. He used to be a fun-loving normal guy. He used to smile like without an ounce of sick desperation behind those pearly whites. But then he fell for a python. And the python sunk her teeth into his neck and probably gave him some seriously tantric sex until he was hooked. Then in the python’s lunacy, she made him father 27 other baby pythons, until all joy of being alive was gone. Have you seen the bags under this guy’s eyes? He has only been with Jolie since the end of 2005 (around). That’s what like, six years? Almost? He’s aged like it’s been 15. She has done this to him.

Warren Beatty

Well you could treat this one as an old stallion, hanging up his saddle, or you could regard it as an old stallion that got his balls clipped. This was a man that was the Hugh Hefner of actors, or could have been. What do I mean? I mean he could’ve been bagging chicks well into his golden years. I think it’s all just a little too coincidental that he got married and stopped making movies. I’m not accusing his wifey of anything, I’m just saying this guy was the Neil Armstrong of the bedroom. Meaning—you’ve got to wonder.