Three Cheers for Drunks

They come in all shapes, sizes and temperaments, from Sticky to Quarrely to Pukey.

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings


Regardless of which one is sitting next to you and slurring his words about how he always wanted to bang Mallory from Family Ties, let’s take a time out to say, "Hey dude, you’re the best!"

They almost always have something to say! Now call this annoying, or call this a conversation life-saver! I know in the cold light or sobriety, I’ve let some conversations falter and fizzle. A good old drunk always has a question (do you wha go ho wit me?) or a remark (he a skunk!) or my favorite, lemme tell ya somethin. Having a good old drunk acts as a surefire icebreaker for loads of uncomfortable social situations. In fact, back in my youth, I would always bring a long a wasted comrade along on first dates. If I liked a guy, him and I would spend time helping my friend find her phone (I gotta fine my fone, I got fine my fone) at the end of the night, just to prolong things. Give it a try.

They almost always love you. Now that’s got to be the greatest thing about drunks. Not only do they love you suddenly, uncontrollably and with great abandon, they don’t mind yelling it at the top of their lungs, in a Mexican restaurant during a lull between karaoke acts. And one of the best things about this moment that they hoist on you, is they definitely don’t care if they hear it back. Seriously. Some of my friends have declared their love, thrown their arms around me and wept, overcome with tequila-emotion, and I’ve said, “Let’s get another round of drinks.”

They are ruled by courage. Part of the joy of hanging with drunks is that they are a walking, talking vessel of no-fear. Put them up against the most tattooed, red necked biker dude who just got done smashing in someone’s skull with a barstool, and they’ll walk right up to the dude and spit out a Koko where’s your kitten? They’ll barrel up to the most poisonous group of dyed blond toxic wenches that should’ve worked for the SS army and say, You’re a bunch fugly b*tches!

They’re easy to control. I’m not saying that I like to manipulate people, what I’m saying is the idea of the out of control drunk is largely a myth. When you really truly have someone that is three sheets to the wind, with bourbon and love sloshing around their brain cells, it’s pretty easy to keep them out of trouble. I once had a friend that was dead set on I’m gonna fight that guy! Lez go! I’m gonna kick iz ass! who was instantly abated by the response, “But we’re all going to get nachos, you want nachos don’t you?” And then fury, threats and violence were but a memory in the name of extra guacamole.

So kids, the next time you go off on what a downer your raging alcoholic friend Hank is, think twice. I bet you’re taking him for granted.