Space is Straight Up Gangster

Space don't care. Space is crazy. Space will mess you up.

Sax Carrby Sax Carr

A lot of people have been going around recently, with NASA on the mind, talkin' like they know something about Space. Well let me tell you something. You don't know shit about Space. Space is straight up gangster. Space doesn't give a shit.

Have you ever hung out with Space? No, you haven't. Few people have. He's elusive. And all you've heard is stories. Well, let me tell you something you may not know. Space is f***ing crazy. It will mess you up at the drop of a hat. The Earth is only here because he doesn't mind that we exist. Space lets us crash in his neighborhood. He don't have to. He gives us some room so we don't crash into all sorts of other celestial bodies. He's our landlord, and he's been good to us. But at the drop of a hat, he could be like "You know what, bitch? Have some asteroids. Oh, did I eradicate life on Earth? My bad. Go hurtle towards the sun."

That's right, he's been pretty good to us on-planet types. But when we start heading off the planet, we best watch our ass. Cause you even try to touch space, and he will straight up murder your ass. I think it's a germaphobia thing or something, but you gotta wear a full body suit if your gonna get near him. One tiny crack, and suddenly boom, your ass is iced.


You know, I heard a story from this guy who did time with him named Buzz. I think he was in there for stealing the hearts and capturing the imaginations of a generation. So anyway, this Buzz cat says to me that apparently, when Space was born, there was massive explosion, and all of what we currently know to exist was created. Now, obviously, is probably one of those gangland legends that has become exaggerated through retelling, but it's a damn good story. And it shows you how afraid of him the people who really know him are.

Course, now that you know, you'll wanna be on the lookout for him. You know, to protect yourself. Well, he's hard to miss. He is the biggest motherf***er I've ever seen. You look directly up from any point on the planet and you'll see his fat ass. And he just keeps growing and growing. I ain't never seen anything like it. He's also the blackest thing you'll ever see. He's blacker than Biggie. He makes Seal look like Heidi Klum. But I'm not here to profile. I'm not saying the blacker you are, the more gangster you are. I am saying Space is the blackest, and also the most gangster. Just happens to fall that way.

But that just makes his horrible acne scars stand out that much more.

And Space runs a tight ship, too. Despite doing all of this shit, right in the open, the government doesn't have anything on Space. Most of the stuff they have on him is thousands to millions of years old. They're working with what he gives them, and that's it. They just sit around waiting for the information, like it'll show up at the speed of light. There are thousands of stars, even whole galaxies, that he may have blown up ages ago, but they can't pin it on him for millenia.

Which is the point. NASA made the right choice. Space can be one vengeful sonofabitch, and it's probably a good idea to avoid pissing him off. Who knows if, the next time we sent something up, he'd notice and decide to perform an orbit-breaking meteor drive-by. He has the power to kill us all instantly. So why don't we be nice and stay on our planet and thank Space, the most badass gangster we'll ever have the pleasure to know, for letting us exist.