Defend Yourself! 5 Tips for Cowardly Fighting

The only honor is “dis-honor.”

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Why in this day in age would you ever agree to fair combat? Do you have any idea how many lunatics are out there that could pummel you to death as easily as snapping their fingers?

Okay, now chances are, you’re probably not going to have to worry about mortal combat, but sometimes things happen. And if you’re ever in a situation where you’re forced to defend yourself, using moves that you saw Jason Bourne do are probably going to leave you bloodied and broken.

Take these five tips on how to fight dirty and learn to run away another day.


1. The Fresh Fish: This movie is a key in avoiding combat early before you get into serious danger. The basis is adapted from what new prison inmates or, “fresh fish” do in order to avoid getting beaten up. What you have to do is establish yourself as absolutely f-ing nuts. Do whatever you can to show your opponent that you are mentally unstable. The only limit is your own imagination. Start jumping around, screaming the “ABC’s” at the top of your lungs. Take off your own shirt and start to eat it. Punch yourself in the face repeatedly. And it works to!

There’s actually an old story about Sex Pistol’s bass player, Sid Vicious, almost getting into a brawl with some hicks in a diner in South Dakota. Before the hicks could jump him, Sid cut open his own hand with a steak knife and started lapping up his own blood. The hicks backed off. Though, you probably don’t have to go that far…


2. Playing Possum: An oldie, but a goodie. End up taking an unexpected hit? Good. Go down and stay down. Bite your lip and see if you can get yourself some tears. Rub some dirt in your eyes and wait for your opponent to celebrate. Once their back is turned, get to your feet and give ‘em a folding chair to he back of the head.


3. Go for the Eyes: You can try and aim for the family jewels all you want, but the fact of the matter is that they have legs on either side and they make for a hard target to hit. Go for the eyes – they sit in prime position and there’s two of them. Throw dirt in ‘em, claw at ‘em, or just go for a good ‘ole “Three Stooges” poke. Once your opponent is temporarily blinded, make a run for it.


4. Hidden Weapons: Not wearing your steel-toed work boots? Don’t have a roll of quarters to sock someone in the face with? Use what you have around you. As they teach in rape prevention classes the most obvious tools can be used as weapons. Take your car key and put it between your index and middle finger. Make contact one time, and your opponent will think twice about getting up.


5. The Gandolfini: In the middle of the fight, fake a heart attack or some sort of other medical emergency. More often than not, your average joe has no intention of killing you, and probably doesn’t want to be named an accessory to manslaughter. Start screaming, “I have heart condition, I can’t breathe1!” Grab your chest and drop to the ground. Make sure you escape fast, you don’t want to be around if an ambulance shows up.