I had $10 to my name last week, just enough in the money budget to buy some food. I needed to get something practical. Something I could eat at any time of day, that would sustain me for about a week until my next paycheck. It had to have some nutritional value, but still be sweet and delicious enough to never get boring to my palette.
Enter mother f*****g Reese's Puffs.
It was a buy 2 for $5 sale, and milk was on discount with my club card. When I saw it in the aisle I didn't even hesitate. Buying Reese's Puffs had this inevitability to it, like a portrait painting where no matter what angle you view it from, it's always looking right at you. Openly speaking, I had always been a fan of Reese's peanut butter cups, due to it's simple formula of half a peanut butter jelly sandwich and chocolate.
Do you know the chilling yet satisfying crunch of a cold, sweet bowl of Reese's Puffs after midnight? The never soggy yet filled with milk little balls of peanut butter and chocolate gang-banging my taste buds is paradise indeed. I'm no corporate shill, but honestly, can you name any other breakfast cereal that never, ever gets old? There was a day last week where I ate Reese's Puffs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the same 24 period. Sorry ladies, but this guy is taken!
If a cereal's primary flavor that it's shooting at you is chocolate, that shit gets old fast. I'm looking at you Coco Puffs. And if it's overly nutritious and "oaty" you feel like you're on a diet. A truly great breakfast cereal needs no mascot to shill it's wares (Cookie Crisp, Twix) or fall back and rely on one part of it's cereal to sell itself (Lucky Charms, you only eat the marshmallows anyway). If the bowl is too fruity (meaning: filled with slices of fruit) you're defeating the whole purpose of cereal. Cereal doesn't need your stupid health bananas. If you're interested in hiking a mountain this morning Bear Grylls, go eat some oatmeal. Meanwhile I'll be having my twelfth orgasm over my bowl of brown and tan candy breakfast.
But I am an impartial judge in this contest, and so I have to mention some of Reese's Puff's negatives. Reese's Puffs admittedly looks like dog food for people, especially when you put it in a plastic bag (baby Cherrios style) to munch on at work. And the puffs' tendency to roll out of a packed bowl is frustrating at best. Then they get under the sofa and sit there until they mold over, and then a few weeks later you finally find out what the dog has been eating to get him so sick. Sorry Gus.
I truly think Reese's Puffs cereal is the most versatile and crave (pun intended) inducing cereal known to man. It's two flavors, pushed together, making a better pair then when separated. Here's a dramatic photo play I've done in honor of the power that is Reese's Puffs.
"His Name was Puff, Reese's Puff"
"Oh, hey Whey Protein, are you working out too? I was just in the neighborhood."
"Hold K down Whey! I'm gonna beat the fiber right out of him!"
"Time for your own Special K Challenge…stay alive!"
"Say hi to the Swiffer Wet Jet for me! HAHAHAHA."
"Sorry Whey…this is one secret you can't digest."
"Looks like you got peanut butter…in my murder."