Decoding the Facebook Status – Part 3

Suffering from obscure Facebook Status updates? Here’s a guide to what your friends are really trying to say.

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

And we’re at it again! Another week, another group of people desperately trying to communicate with the outside world. If only we had the courage to say what we really mean!

If you’re new to this series of articles, you can check out the past two “Decoding the Facebook” articles here: Decoding the Facebook Status – Part 1. And here: Decoding the Facebook Status – Part 2.

Facebook is the new window to the soul. Take a look:

TJ (15 minutes ago): Thanks to all for all the great B-Day wishes yesterday!

What they’re really saying: Head bleeding. Car gone. Steve’s not breathing. Lost my wallet. I smell like rat poison. What the hell happened last night?


Trevor (about an hour ago): Pool day!

What they’re really saying:  Dylan forgot to pay the water bill, so I haven’t showered for like a week. He said he’d have the money by tomorrow. My supervisor at Chili’s said I smelled “like bung.” Which I thought was an odd choice of words because she’s, like, fifty.


Liz (18 minutes ago): Wine and movie night 😉

What they’re really saying: CALL MEEEE!! For the love of God, someone pick up the phone and call me before I burn down this entire motherf-cking apartment complex! I can’t stay in another weekend! ARGHHH!!!


Greg (yesterday): Wonderful day! So many possibilities!

What they’re really saying: I took my dog for a walk earlier and this little kid hit me in the nuts with a Frisbee. I wanted so badly to hurt him. To make him feel my pain. I put my head down and just kept walking.


Mike and Donna are now engaged:

What Mike is thinking: She said yes!!! I bagged a 10!

What Donna is thinking: At comic-con. He proposed to me at comic-con. During the “Vampire Diaries” panel.  How the hell was I going to say no? Why couldn’t he have done it at one of the more classy panels? Like “True Blood.”


Nick (two hours ago): Cannot wait until Cowboy’s & Aliens!

What they’re really saying: Do I think Daniel Craig is handsome? Yes. Is he in my top three of best looking guys? Sure. But I think I can admire a guy without… ya know… being into him. All I’m saying that if I was going to camp with someone and it got cold and I had to, I mean, I had to snuggle with another guy it’d be him… That’s it…


Dylan (yesterday): Today is a good day.

What they’re really saying: I just bought 300 bucks worth of weed… Shit… I still haven’t paid the water bill yet.


Stacy (seconds ago): Brian and I are making tacos tonight!

What they’re really saying: I swear to god, If Brian has gas again like last time then that’s it. We’re done. I can’t take this anymore.


Brian (seconds ago): Taco night! I love my girlfriend!

What they’re really saying: I am soooo going to Dutch-oven her later on.

Keep it tuned to the comedy channel for more decoding of the Facebook!