We take a look at four people that you absolutely cannot trust, ever.
The Non-Coffee Drinker. Let me make myself perfectly clear. If you don’t drink coffee, I don’t want to F-ing know you. Mornings are rough for 98 percent of all humanity. Hence the widespread cultural tradition of brewing ground up coffee beans. You tell me you don’t drink coffee, I think you’re either trying to slide in a put-down into the conversation (“I don’t need that, the way you might); you do cocaine on a regular basis and are thus, covered; or you’re a walking, talking example of arrested development, you might as well wear some He-Man pajamas to work. Be wary of these fools, man. Any of them might stop by your house with a suitcase of dynamite.
Anyone Who is Friends with Their Ex. Yikes. Honestly, it gives me real chills just to write about these folks. These are people that you need to handle with kid gloves and a whole lot of scrutiny. They often have serious smoldering feeling of longing and I-want-to-jump-you towards their ex and are in complete denial about it, stuffing all those complex feelings into some Tupperware container of b.s. proclaiming, “We’re still friends!” Listen, if your ex shagged your brother and you managed to put your brains and your balls back together to dump the ho, great. If a part of you still wants to shag her, fine. Just don’t be friends with her! Find a girl that looks just like her, bang her and then dump her. And that’s advice you can take to the bank.
The Early Riser. I’m not talking about people who wake up early to get to work and earn a goddamn living to put food on the table and beer in their fridge. I’m talking about the freaks out there, which have no reason to get up early, but do so in order to run 8 miles, or meditate in the quiet of dawn. These are often people who have some real skeletons in their closet, or demons that they’re running from and they’re massively over-compensating with so-called healthy behavior. PLUS, most early risers never let you forget that they’re early risers. They always have to remind you, “I get up at five to do yoga. I enjoy it.” Blow me.
Anyone with more than two animals in their household. Now these are people that you have to both not trust, but also pity. Your neighbor lady, who seems perfectly normal aside from the fact that she has four cats, is compensating for a hell of a lot. Chances are her parents either didn’t pay enough attention to her or locked her in a closet from age three to five. She’s not the self-proclaimed animal lover that she says she is. She needs affection and attention like a hybrid of Orphan Annie and Oliver Twist, and one man will never be enough. Anyone with more than two animals in their household poses a high likelihood of shagging everyone in sight, or requiring a super-human amount of time and attention that being their friend or dating them means you have to chain yourself to them, or commit to being on call by purchasing a beeper like it’s 1993 again. Oh boy.