Jurassic Park was one of my favorite movies as a kid, and even now, after the poison of jadedness has crept into my veins. I don’t dare criticize the film, as it was damn near perfect, right down to the amber studded cane that the eccentric and cavalier John Hammond carried.
But here are some scenes I would’ve liked to have watched:
Laura Dern should’ve made out with Jeff Goldblum. Were the writers smoking crack? How did they overlook this? Goldblum’s sexed-up mathematician persona was placing water droplets on her hand in the name of science and totally after a sojourn in her pants. They should’ve snuck away during all the chaos for a quick romp in the sack. Of course, that would’ve made the film less appropriate for kids, but heck, there was all that violence anyway, so who cares? And then in the sequel, Laura Dern would reveal that she was pregnant! And the child would inexplicably have dino-DNA!
One of the children should’ve died. Call me morbid, or call me a master screenwriter! If one of the kids had died, it would be a much darker film and perhaps that’s a good thing. Talk about raising the stakes! If the T-rex or one of the creepy velociraptors had gobbled up one of the kiddies, then the levels of on screen terror, sorrow and loss would have reached astronomical levels. Woo-hoo! Don’t spare the young as those aren’t the rules of the jungle and certainly not the Jurassic jungle!
Okay, when Dennis Nedry (Newman from Seinfeld) left to go sell some embryos off the docks, why didn’t anyone say “Gee Buddy, why do you seem so uncomfortable?” He was blathering on about getting a snack or a soda or something, and you would think that having an office mate like SAMUEL L JACKSON might provoke a “Shut your damn mouth” or “Why are you acting like a damn fool?” or “Get me a Royale with cheese.”
Okay, dismiss all my other ideas, but give me this: when they had those close up shots of the glasses of water in the jeep, with the water shaking ominously as the T-rex approached, someone at some point should’ve picked up the glass and had a sip. Why? Just because. Maybe it would’ve been the clueless lawyer. Maybe it should’ve been one of the terrified tots. Regardless of who, someone should’ve picked up the glass and said “I don’t care how close that thing is, I’m not going to die with a parched throat.”