Bars Suck

Stupid facts and stupid people that ruin your night out

Sax Carrby Sax Carr

"WORD UP BABY! WE'RE GOING TO GET SICK TONIGHT!" -"Roddy" in The Scarlet Lady in Culver City, CA.

Believe it or not we're nearing on July 4th weekend! So there's going to be a LOT of people crowding into bars in order to escape family, responsibility, and sobriety. They want shots, loud music, and no drama baby! Which of course means there will be TONS of drama.

"Don't want drama/ no no no no drama" -Dumb Black Eyed Peas Song

I've seen some serious B.S. at the bar before. Now I like a nice brew or whiskey neat like the next guy, but when that means saddling up next to some beefcake who refuses to make eye contact and constantly says the word "bitch". Well, that doesn't settle well with me.


Here's why bars suck. Bullet points style because people at bars have no friggin patience.

  • Bartender at bar doesn't see you when you try to order a drink

  • Attempts at getting dressed up in a blazer foiled by sweating your ass off 3 minutes into entering a bar

  • Realizing you've gone to a place where the booze is too expensive

  • Being with a date and realizing the booze isn't expensive ENOUGH

  • Ladies dress to shame their fathers

  • Parking near the bar costs almost as much as your first beer

  • Traffic is terrible on Sunset

  • Music is too loud with your kids and your rock and roll


"She wouldn't blow me! I don't get it man; I don't get it!" – "Steve" outside The Laugh Factory in Hollywood, CA.

  • Mistaking a "bar" for a "club" which means there is nothing on draft

  • The Guy Who Doesn't Realize The Girl He's Hitting On is Your Date

  • Broski Who Is Itching For A Fight To Mask His Hidden Sexual Urges

  • Sticky bar floor, even stickier bathroom

  • Playing the "Tetris Shuffle" when making your way through a crowd

  • Loud women screaming just to let everyone know they're having a good time

  • It's everyone's birthday and you NEED to hear about it

  • The four people constantly rotating on karaoke, oh my god, when will they let someone else sing

  • Terrible karaoke d.j. who ALWAYS let himself sing

  • Date who expects you to buy all their drinks…and their friend's as well

  • Getting the bill at the end of the night and realizing you aren't eating tomorrow


"So you want to do some bumps back at the apartment? I don't know this place is lame." – "Jennifer" at The Pig and Whistle in Hollywood, CA



  • …spill a drink and making no attempt to clean it up

  • …tip poorly

  • …tip way too much (show off)

  • …vomiting in public

  • …take a photo of someone vomiting openly in public

  • …laugh at the guy vomiting openly in public

  • …yell at their girlfriend making her cry

  • …beat the hell out of the jerk boyfriend (that's actually pretty awesome)

  • …wearing no underwear and getting an infection

  • …argue with the bouncer and act surprised that they're not getting in

  • …complain about the long lines yet refusing to go to a different bar




Our bar culture has got to change. And by change I mean you should avoid going out Friday through Sunday. But even then these terrible things might still occur to you! That's why I swore bars off a while ago. I now actively avoid them. Sometimes. Look, it's complicated.

You know how much more you can drink in your or your friend's apartment? You can get a sixer (that's parlance for six pack) of Red Label at Trader Joe's, fire up the Netflix, and actually hear the conversation between you and the people you're drinking with.

I know that isn't exactly social, but how much "socializing" do you actually do at a bar? You are either trying to have fun by getting a little buzzed, or you're trying to hit on someone, or you're finalizing business plans with people you already know. The days of actually meeting someone "new and decent" at a bar are few and far between.

No offense broski.

And people keep going on the gosh darned internet like it's the future of dating. IT ISN'T! Bars used to be great for that stuff but the clientele has become completely insufferable. The internet complete separates you from people, but bars put you too close!

What ever happened to playing Bridge with your girlfriends, or going to a museum and talking about art!?

You kids today and your boozing are KILLING AMERICA. I hope you're happy you put a terrorist in office, cause I know Reagan wouldn't have done that. It's all about your fist pumping up and down like those Italian kids on that MTV. Health Care reform, that's what we need! Look at the re-districting happening in the county! It's shameful!

You women need to cover yourself up and….ZZZZZZZZZZZ


(The author of this article fell asleep after getting too worked up. That's what being a shut in will do for you. Poor kid. He just started sounding old and played out. We wish him the best in his future endeavors.)