Since Charlie Sheen’s much-reported public breakdown, speculation has been rife concerning the Two and a Half Men star’s future with the show. That was until last week, when it was announced that floppy-haired perma-dood Ashton Kutcher would be replacing Sheen, effectively silencing those that were patiently awaiting the return of Charlie Harper. But is Kutcher really the right choice to replace the beer-swilling, hooker-humping hedonist? Probably not. Here are 4 guys who I think would’ve fared better.
A former alcoholic, Farrell was well known for his drug-addled antics and developed quite the reputation as a ladies’ man, but unlike Mr. Sheen he realized that substance abuse stops being cool past the age of 30. Most famous for his roles in Phone Booth and In Bruges, Farrell’s Irish accent has been known to excite women to such an extent that their sofa turns into an impromptu slip ‘n slide. He has also shown a large degree of courageousness when it comes to getting his end away, having consensually had Ellen DeGeneres’ tongue down his throat and propositioning a 70 year-old Dame for sex.
Charlie Sheen has, among other things, threatened the life of a hooker, held a knife to his wife’s throat and raised his children in the middle of a polyamorous relationship between himself, his nanny and a porn star whom he refers to as the “Goddesses’”. He was allowed to do this and still maintain his position as the highest-paid actor on television because every week he would go on set and essentially play himself, only with less cocaine binges and wife-beating. If we can all laugh along with Sheen, then why can’t we do the same with Mel? He could be Charlie and Alan’s long lost step-brother, recently released from rehab and back on the booze. Jake could ask him for some pocket money and he’d respond with “what are you, a fuckin’ Jew?” A little anti-Semitism never hurt anyone now, did it?
I know that everyone’s getting a bit sick of Mr. Katy Perry but if you’re looking for a man to replace your drug-addled, schizophrenic man-whore of a leading man, then how could you not consider Russell Brand? A man so sexually charged that Chelsea Handler claimed she should’ve covered her vagina whilst interviewing him, Brand humped his way through the female population of Britain, got bored, and then travelled to America to do exactly the same. Along the way he managed to bag himself a wife in the form of FHM’s second sexiest woman in the world Katy Perry, so regardless of his naysayers, he must be doing something right. I have no idea how they would’ve fit him into the narrative, but as he has essentially played himself in every movie he has ever been cast in, at least the transition between him and the character of Sheen/Harper wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for the Two and a Half Men writers.
Neil Patrick Harris
NPH isn’t like Barney Stinson in real life. It’s disappointing, but it’s a fact. Firstly, he’s gay; that would make being a ladies’ man quite the difficult feat. Secondly, he’s not so much a lovable douchebag as he is just plain lovable; all you have to do is watch a short interview with him and you find yourself fighting the irrepressible urge to jump into your television set and give him a big ol’ cuddle. However, he’s still awesome in his own right, so much so that it has led to it being universally accepted that anything is better when you add a li’l NPH. And you know what needs a li’l NPH right now? Two and a Half Men. Let’s face it; it was never any good to begin with. Sure we watched it, but we also watch CSI and Deal or no Deal. It wasn’t so much a decent show as it was good background noise, but with the inclusion of Ashton Kutcher’s gangly hyperactive mug it won’t even be that any more. Neil Patrick Harris is so watchable that we actually managed to sit through the Emmy’s. End of discussion.