Your Guide To Cheryl Cole

Everything you need to know about this British Babe.

Nash Herringtonby Nash Herrington

Being from England, I know a lot about Cheryl Cole. A lot more than I’d ever hoped for, and a lot more than I’d ever admit to, but the fact remains that I know a LOT about Cheryl Cole. As you are more than likely from the good ol’ US of A, you’re probably scratching your head every time you walk past a newsstand thinking “who is this limey bitch and why the hell is she in our magazines?!” Luckily, I am here to run you through a few things that you should know about our latest export, before she goes ahead and irritates you on the X Factor this autumn.


She’s a ‘Geordie’

By now you’ve probably heard this term being used to describe her and been absolutely clueless as to what it means. A Geordie is a name used to describe an individual born in Newcastle, a city in England where the girls are adverse to wearing clothes and the guys aren’t adverse to stealing the tires on your car and replacing them with bricks.

 In comparison to the majority of English cities it’s quite nice to look at, but the only thing special about it is the accents that its inhabitants have. It’s so overwhelmingly friendly and welcoming that you just wanna cuddle ‘em the moment they open their mouths, even if they are tearing your hubcaps off at the time.


She won a talent contest, too

A lot of people forget that Cheryl Cole was actually a talent contest winner herself. Back in 2002, Cole was a contestant on Popstars: The Rivals, and quite a poor one at that. She wasn’t able to sing particularly well, nor was she really able to dance. Fortunately for her though she was really, really, really good-looking, so she got a recording contract anyway, along with 4 other girls who could sing but no-one cared about.

The format for the show was different to that of the X Factor and American Idol, in that the best males formed a boy band (One True Voice) and the best females formed a girl band (Girls Aloud), and they then both competed for a number one singles chart placing simultaneously. Girls Aloud won (obviously), partly because their song was actually quite good, and partly because One True Voice’s song had been known to actually make peoples ears projective vomit on account of its overbearing shitness.

 Every now and again a member of One True Voice pops up and auditions on another talent show, only to make the judges feel uncomfortable before returning home to their miserable life of mediocrity.


She nearly died

During last year’s X Factor auditions Cheryl managed to get a bit of malaria. This proved to be quite the nasty ordeal for her, made all the more unenjoyable by the national tabloids, who were consistently reminding us all of how she might die a slow and horrible death. If this wasn’t bad enough, Simon Cowell booked Nicole Scherzinger as her replacement who, aside from being a match for Cheryl in the looks department, was also surprisingly tolerable and quite competent at overseeing the proceedings alongside the other judges.

It’s one thing to find yourself fighting off a life-threatening disease, but then to have a Pussycat Doll come and piss all over your parade must just be the icing on the cake.


She’s been cheated on FIVE TIMES

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me five times and expect my rabid fan base to hunt you down like townsfolk chasing Frankenstein’s monster. It’s something of a running joke here in England that our footballers (or ‘soccer players’) are uncontrollable sexual deviants with a nasty habit of being unable to go thirty minutes without shoving their penis in the nearest available living creature. For the most part this is true, and it is unadvisable for a woman to ever date one for longer than two weeks, unless they are looking for the tabloid exposure that the inevitable affair will grant them.

Cheryl Cole, however, failed to note these clear warnings and went and got married to footballer (‘soccer player’) Ashley Cole. Unsurprising then that he went and frolicked with some blonde girl in 2008, before being forgiven by Cheryl and then proceeding to do it another FOUR TIMES before she finally divorced him in 2010. She still kept the Cole surname, though, presumably because her maiden name ‘Tweedy’ sounds like it belongs to an 85 year-old cat lady.


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