Renee Zellweger’s Face

Forgive me for this untimely information. I was perusing the land of Netflix’s “Watch Instantly” offerings, which, now that I’ve seen mostly everything, offers some damn slim pickings. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

I found myself choosing between Jenny McCarthy’s nuanced acting abilities in Dumped or Renee Zellweger’s eerily squinty eyes in New in Town. I know, a nearly impossible decision to make, as both are so tempting and likely to move you to the profoundest of emotions. I opted for New in Town, and in retrospect I am somewhat glad I did.

Once the movie began, I was nonplused by the absurd yet predictable storyline, the obvious and eventual love interest, and the way the writers seemed to think it socially acceptable to dismiss the entire Midwest region of America as doddering fools. What concerned me the most was Renee Zellweger’s face.

I started yelling immediately, as if on some deep innate level I thought paramedics should be called to the scene. Or just find Miss Renee wherever the hell she is and… help her.

“Oh my God! Look at Renee Zellweger’s face!” I screamed. “It’s all f—ed up!” My fiancé was undisturbed. “You’re just a bitch,” he said warmly.

“No! No! Her face looks like a raisin that’s been sat on!” I howled.

Ladies and gentlemen, I just want you to know that I came up with that last comment, strictly in the moment of that particular conversation. And reflecting upon it now, I realize the brilliance of it. Her face truly did look like a bulbous, wrinkly old raisin that got lost between a couple couch cushions after Thanksgiving dinner.

Zellweger’s hair was perfect. Some fastidious hair person spent buckets of blood on it. Yet her flawless, silky locks did nothing but accentuate the vomitorium that was acting as her face. I couldn’t get over it. It looked like a mix of a meth-dabbling plastic surgeon, bad genes, and goiters disguising themselves as acne. It also looked a bit like Renee had dunked her face in a punch bowl and refused to rinse it off, giving the make-up artist the added challenge of putting cosmetics on a skin that was sticky red and smelled like fruit punch.

Eventually my fiancé did get up from the couch—at my urging—and approached the TV. “Hey you’re right. Her face is all f—ed up.”

Never one to accept praise humbly, I roared, “You see!!!!”

Let’s move on.

So Renee has split up with Bradley Cooper. Wow, shocking. Bradley Cooper wears a permanent smirk that I would just love to smack off that weirdly oval and weirdly pointy face. 100 bucks says the next piece of ass he’s spotted with is going to be 18. Barely. What is my point? He seems like a jerk, but is most likely a moron. Why? The Huffingtom Post quoted Cooper as saying, “I love acting with her. I can learn so much from her.” What can he learn? How to conceal his pupils by raising the fat pads in his cheeks to show emotion?

Regardless, we can all surmise that Renee Zellweger’s face issues bothered Mr. Cooper (how do you roll into bed with someone who’s got a face like Leonardo DiCaprio after 26 kegstands?) when Cooper starts dating someone with PERFECT skin. It’s like Hollywood guys need to bounce back. Too much seafood, now some steak. Who can forget how Affleck ran to the booty-engorged Lopez after dating the boney-assed Paltrow?

Who will Zellweger end up with? Well, it would be a cliché to say, “a blind guy”, so let’s just say someone who uses a lot of psychedelic drugs (hey, I bet her face looks glorious after dropping acid) or lives in a nice, dark basement apartment.