Header Photo: FRED TANNEAU/AFP (Getty) / Brandon the Cow (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 5-5-17
You don’t know shame until you drunkenly confuse Hellen Keller and Anne Frank in a game of charades.
— Maddie (@whatmaddness) April 27, 2017
When life hands you lemons, you have been chosen. It is time. There is no turning back now. You are the Lemon Keeper.
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) April 2, 2017
Acted as if nothing happened pic.twitter.com/lzJZX1HUtl
— Sports Wankers (@SportsWankers) April 28, 2017
I smile exclusively on my right side, so I can keep the left side wrinkle-free for glamour shots.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) April 30, 2017
flat earth groups are the only good thing on facebook pic.twitter.com/bonVKhbhFW
— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) May 2, 2017
“…and it got like FIVE retweets” pic.twitter.com/YCKJQckSFB
— Boyfriend Material ツ (@TheRolo) March 9, 2015
[my HS bully drives up while I’m working the drive-thru]
ME: who’s taking whose lunch money now bitch
— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) May 1, 2017
Me: never assume
Wife: because it makes an ass of u and me?
Me: what did i just say diane
— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) April 28, 2017
This is still my favorite thing pic.twitter.com/Jd0fpeSfTu
— tiredt (@whomstami) December 16, 2016
Sure, you’re goth, but are you dejectedly riding the subway with your raven goth? pic.twitter.com/KDboTBUI2O
— Max Sparber (@maxsparber) April 29, 2017
I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.
— summerofbenny (@summerofbenny) April 7, 2013
1995: The internet will revolutionize the way we think and communicate
— Robbie Couch (@robbie_couch) May 2, 2017
swipe down on tinder to send people straight to hell
— village fetish (@botandy) May 1, 2016
yoooo, they revoked his medical license. pic.twitter.com/eOKNYjDFV6
— Manny (@Manny_Bodega) April 27, 2017
“Who is “Gratuity” and why am I paying for her food?” pic.twitter.com/UGGmZZMjo0
— Simple. Bold. Love. (@sawngbyrd28) April 27, 2017
Me after saying no to mimosas at brunch once pic.twitter.com/cHILN3CXqN
— Kyle Patrick (@kyry5) March 12, 2017
If I die from choking on Cap’n Crunch please just tell people that I was killed by a great pirate
— Phteven (@PhuckinCody) April 4, 2017
Student: Actually, my dad says-
Me: Okay, thanks, Braxton
S: My name’s Brayden
M: That’s what I said, Tristan, now sit back down
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) April 29, 2017
all I want in life is to be the dude behind the bar in the old westerns endlessly drying shit w/ a cloth, minding his own business
— Fuzzlime (@fuzzlime) April 28, 2017
I think we can all relate to this horrible eBay auction pic.twitter.com/C6lQiTuHVP
— Frank Cifaldi (@frankcifaldi) March 23, 2017
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 3, 2017