Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / RM (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 4-28-17
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) April 20, 2017
“I got there 4 minutes faster by making 18 life threatening left turns!”
— Shane Nickerson (@shanenickerson) April 25, 2017
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) September 6, 2015
There’s debate over whether social media makes you dumb or merely reveals pre-existing dumbness, but I’m here to tell you it’s both somehow
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 23, 2017
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
— RM (@dorsalstream) April 24, 2017
me: time to go to bed after a long and stressful day
brain: hold up real quick just one question whats the scariest thing you can think of
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) April 25, 2017
really sick of how much credit stuart gets for being “little”. wake up , hes the normal mouse size .. maybe even a bit bigger.
— rat whom online (@online_rat) March 1, 2017
Anyone know what type of kite this is? pic.twitter.com/W3dpQmlLby
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) April 25, 2017
Why is this bat wearing pants pic.twitter.com/dnrnIryjc2
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) April 25, 2017
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) August 12, 2016
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) April 21, 2015
Yeah girl I’m into BDSM,
— brian essbe (@SortaBad) April 25, 2017
It’s cute how they say “missed calls” and not “avoided calls”.
— Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) January 24, 2016
ME: Do we or do we not ride our bikes at the same speed?
BIKER: OK, but you need to stop saying we “synchronize our cycles.”
— R.E.W. (@therealeatwood) October 2, 2015
7 reasons why 13 Reasons Why is only 4 Reasons better than just listening to “The Reason” by Hoobastank
— Julie Greiner (@JulieAbridged) April 23, 2017
Me: You’ve made a huge mistake.
— Comedic Bust (@ComedicBust) April 21, 2017
I’m tired of people assuming I’ve got a good personality because I’m ugly.
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) April 13, 2017
@CoreyStewartVA Like, literally, nothing? Nothing is worse?
— John Legend (@johnlegend) April 25, 2017
The last time the Writer’s Guild went on strike, we got The Apprentice. For the love of Christ, pay them whatever they want.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) April 25, 2017
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) April 5, 2017