Photo: BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP (Getty).
Gather around, ye haters and lovers. This Friday is the end of an era, and the start of a new regime. Whatever your political persuasion, we can all agree that once-in-a-lifetime televised events are best celebrated with a bit o’ boozing. In this case, a little more than a bit might be called for, as you may have the urge to pop bottles more than ever.
That’s right, it’s Inauguration Day 2017, so we present to you 12 creative drinking games. All of which are prone to make you one slurring, rip-roaring individual. As the addresses come to a close and our dear President-elect retires off to bed to dream about waking up at 4:00AM and trolling world leaders on Twitter, let us all remember that we’re in this together — left and right, black and white, brown and yellow, rainbow and cisgender. All of us are deplorable and adorable in our own special ways. So drink up. It’s up to you and you alone to make the next four years (or eight, depending on your level of hope) as great as you want to make it.
Drinking Games To Play During Donald Trump’s Presidential Inauguration
1. Take a shot whenever Ivanka looks like she smells like vanilla.
Popularized by Teen Vogue writer Lauren Duca, Ivanka Trump looks as though she lathered herself in vanilla extract. Her father aside, Ivanka has the skin, lips, and breasticle cleavage of an angel. She will no doubt be in attendance during the ball, so we recommend taking baby shots, for you will get loopy.
2. Take a shot whenever you spot a protester who looks like he smells like patchouli and mustard.
Protesters will invariably converge on Washington DC come January 20th. There will be thousands of them. They will have signs that say things about fascism and gleefully fist the air like they’re at an Arctic Monkeys concert. Slouch beanies, purple hair, skinny jeans so skinny you can literally see their pubes. You know the type. We recommend a light liquor, perhaps a Monaco.
3. Tequila shots for whenever Wolf Blitzer or Jake Tapper smiles.
Maybe it’s just me, but I have never seen these two CNN personalities show any sign of a personality. Jake Tapper has resting bitch face and Wolf Blitzer looks as though a ghost just molested him. When they smile, it is indeed a significant event. Drink a tequila shot to celebrate.
4. Shotgun a beer whenever Trump mentions Islamic terror or illegal immigrants.
This will be a formal, lighthearted event, so there isn’t much purpose in our president-elect getting into the unmentionables. However, in the case that he talks about Muslims or Mexicans, take a shot of vodka—in honor of Putin. Let the warmth of 80-proof soothe your chilly heart.
5. Sip a beer whenever pundits mention Democratic congressman John Lewis.
Unless you’ve been living a normal, healthy life away from the poison of internet politics or water cooler passive-aggression, you might’ve heard that more than 50 House Democrats are planning on boycotting Inauguration Day. They’ve vowed not to watch as Mr. Trump is sworn in. Every talking head will be talking about it. You heard it here, folks — John Lewis will be a popular name this Friday. Sip slowly.
6. Slug a tall can whenever a pundit mentions the term “fake news.”
Buzzwords. They sure were prominent in 2016; flung around like monkey poo for however long they were appropriate until they were relegated to the archives for a newbie. Slug a tall gan to forget about the juvenile media landscape, if only for a day.
7. Guzzle a Long Island Iced Tea if Don Lemon gets shitfaced.
Don Lemon is the host of CNN Tonight. He is also a tremendous boozehound. On New Year’s Eve in 2015, he got so wasted that he told Kathy Griffin she had a nice rack. This past New Year’s, he was sweating bullets of rum live on television and asking someone to pierce his nipple. The guy is all-time. If Lemon doesn’t make a national fool of himself during the inauguration, he will undoubtedly do it offscreen and wake up on Saturday morning in some Chevy Chase gutter wearing assless chaps and a nipple ring.
8. Take a shot whenever a celebrity dramatically delivers their opinion.
George Clooney. Lena Dunham. Mark Ruffalo. Sarah Silverman. Chelsea Handler. Amy Schumer. America Ferrara. Scarlett Johansson. Julianne Moore. Samuel L. Jackson. Jane Fonda. Jamie Lee Curtis. Alec Baldwin. Take your pick. Katy Perry and Cher are planning to be actively involved in protests and counter-demonstrations. A-Listers will host a televised “Love-a-Thon” during the event. After the curtains clasp and they take their bows, each and every one of them will fly back to Beverly Hills first-class and talk about how they made a difference.
9. Do a shot of Trump Vodka whenever someone mentions Trump Steaks, Trump University, or Trump Grill.
Just $499.99 plus tax.
10. If you catch Michael Moore wheezing, have a low-calorie beer.
Michael Moore won’t be in Washington, D.C. on Friday. He will be outside Trump Tower in New York City leading the mighty revolution. But you can bet your flapjacks he’ll catch his 30 seconds of primetime. In the event that he’s winded, be proactive in your life choices and switch to Budweiser Select 55. Al Sharpton may work as a substitute for Moore.
11. Sip a beer whenever someone utters the following words or names…
Historic, Lincoln, tax returns, Russians, hacking, monumental, emails, bigly, popular vote, Brexit, 17 intelligence agencies, Putin, deplorable, dossier, yuge, Jeb Bush, low-energy, Clinton Foundation, Rosie O’Donnell, pizzagate, James Comey, LL Bean.
12. Celebrate Trump and Putin’s bromance with a White Russian.
Ingredients: Kahlua, Smirnoff, and milk.