Photo: Bryan Bedde for Yeezy Season 4 (Getty).
It doesn’t seem to take much to be a celebrity nowadays. Set up an Instagram, shoot a viral YouTube video, film a sex tape with James Deen, and presto–you’re famous. The following people reached unimaginable peaks of wealth and recognition for basically nothing. And for that, we can only thank America.
Celebrities With Zero Talent
The most obvious on this list, Paris Hilton came into the public eye in 2003 after a tape of her was released giving oral treats to one Rick Salomon. It was made public just three weeks before the debut of “The Simple Life.” She has since used her fame to hock fragrances and fashion and wants the world to know how hard she works. People work hard at Taco Bell, too, Paris.
This 25-year-old from Council Bluffs, Iowa came to prominence in 2009 after appearing in “16 and Pregnant.” She then appeared in the spinoff series “Teen Mom.” In 2013, Abraham was nominated for Best Anal Scene after appearing in “Farrah Superstar: Back Door Teen Mom” with James Deen. On October 9th of this year, she endorsed Donald Trump for president. These interesting life choices are perhaps the reason her memoir My Teenage Dream Ended hit the New York Times Best Sellers list.
Kylie Jenner has two houses. One is a $6 million mansion in Hidden Hills, California. The other is a $4.5 million mansion also in Hidden Hills–a place she considers her “workspace.” Granted she is hotter than her older, more hobbit-like sister. The 19-year-old Kylie has a net worth of $12 million. Life is fair.
As a member of the Spice Girls, Posh Spice was only there to take their looks up a notch. She didn’t sing much, and that’s a good thing. She married someone with oodles of talent in 1999, becoming the most powerful couple in the UK, enhancing her brand to a point where she can sell fashion by her name alone. Victoria now spends her days enjoying a $300 million net worth and banning words with Beyonce.
Sure, he raps. But so does Kevin Federline. In 2009, Pitbull entered the arena of talking into a microphone with the song “I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho).” Today, the 5′ 7″ Cuban has 59 million followers on Facebook, and it begs the question: What the fuck? Perhaps I’m just biased because I saw him in Baltimore in 2012 and realized his set was nothing but jumping around and shouting in Spanish.
Thicke’s career can be summarized by two significant events: 1) “Blurred Lines,” which rose to popularity because its video featured featured Emily Ratajkowski bottomless and topless–she has since acknowledged the song is the “bane of her existence”–and 2) Paula. For those of you who didn’t realize he had an album named Paula, he had an album named Paula. It bombed, and he has since been MIA. Robin, a bit of personal advice: Stick to exploiting naked models and lay off the mushy.
Taylor Lautner has been an international super celebrity since 2008. But his greatest work came in 2015 when he played a mentally handicapped person in Adam Sandler’s The Ridiculous 6. Let’s hope that like Leonardo DiCaprio, playing a drooling invalid will catapult him to talented thespian status.
I don’t want to get political here, but here I go. Sarah Palin began her career in pageantry, finishing second runner-up in the Miss Alaska contest. She then hopped into sportscasting which led to becoming a member of the Wasilla City Council–Wasilla needed spellcheck because it’s so insignificant. She became the governor of Alaska by 42 and two years later, John McCain needed a hot piece to stand next to him and make him look like not such a ghostly corpse.
But that’s neither here nor there. Palin is relevant. She is famous. But to be a politician, one must possess an ounce of oratory talent, and whenever I hear her speak, it sounds like I’m coming down with ear cancer.
I mentioned a Republican, so I guess it’s obligatory for me to mention a Democrat. Al Sharpton does have a talent for one thing–not being able to read. Some have theorized that his fat gave his brain energy. Now that he’s lost it, he has the body of Mr. Mackey from South Park and the mental capacity of a screwdriver.
Kim Kardashian is the most hated person in the world–after Justin Bieber. But at least Justin Bieber can play drums. Kim fancies herself as a cultural princess, except no one elected her nor appreciates her. She recently gave birth to North West, so let’s hope she quietly relegates herself to motherhood and knitting (she won’t).