Aside from the actual game, what folks are talking about the most the morning after the Super Bowl are the commercials. Everyone is ready to chime in with their opinions on what was the best commercial and the worst commercial. But one thing is absolutely clear: the classic commercials below that everyone is familiar with actually really suck.
Here are popular Super Bowl commercials from over the years that are complete shit when you think about it. Feel free to chime in with your opinion afterwards to let me know what an asinine human being I am for bashing your favorite ad.
Classic Super Bowl Commercials That Actually Really Suck
Michael Jordan Takes On Larry Bird (1993)
Here you have two legendary NBA players having a good old-fashioned shooting contest. The only problem is they are playing for a Big Mac; a fucking Big Mac that is getting all cold and soggy with every passing minute. Like, these two guys are super rich. You’re telling me that Larry Bird couldn’t put on his best pair of tiny shorts and get his own burger? And who the hell was guarding the cold burger while they were on top of the building for some reason? Just a terrible ad for wasting food that could instead have been consumed and helped shorten someone’s life.
Apple Introduces The Macintosh Computer (1984)
The commercial was supposed to showcase breaking free out of the stranglehold of “big brother,” but now it’s clear to see the complete irony in this since Apple controls everything while tons of people continue to worship Steve Jobs. That sassy English athlete throws a sledgehammer at the screen in order to release all those “controlled” folks watching a speech being given. Fast forward 32 years later and Apple is the big brother as we grovel on our knees, begging for a new iPhone.
“Bud” “Weis” “Er” Frogs (1995)
The amount of people who would say “Budweiser” the same way after this commercial aired made me have an unnecessary amount of hatred toward frogs. Sure, it wasn’t as irritating as the “Whassup?” commercial that inspired people of all ages to greet someone the same way for months after, but it’s still pretty bad. Just picturing a group of men clinking their Buds after saying “Bud” “Weis” “Er” is enough for me to confidently say this commercial is awful.
Mean Joe Greene Needs A Coke (1979)
So many questions here: How does that kid get past security? Why does he keep forcing his Coke on Joe Greene? And why the hell does this little snotball look so bummed out after giving up his Coke? The same Coke he pressured Joe into drinking? To top it all off, Joe Greene tosses him his used, sweaty jersey and then finally smiles. But that kid was only offering his drink in order to get something in return. What a couple of a-holes all around here.
Don Cheadle Promotes The NFL…During An NFL Game (2003)
Remember this one? You probably would have if it was Denzel Washington or Will Smith in it. But since they weren’t available, the NFL got the next best thing: Don Cheadle. The next minute is spent on Don saying all the crazy things about NFL as the NFL pats itself on the back. Crazy that Roger Goodell wasn’t mentioned on this but I guess the timing was off.
Brett Favre Tries To Make His Own Website (2015)
We would all like to have less Brett Favre on our TV, but Brett instead decided to take a break from shoving Wrangler Jeans and Tough Blades down our throats in order to create his own website. Hey, even Terrell Owens and Emmitt Smith make an appearance. It’s all very cringe-worthy, but it’s honestly probably because he continues to hang around inside our television.
Bar Refaeli Makes Out With A Nerd For GoDaddy (2013)
Bar Refaeli makes an appearance and that’s never a bad thing. But of course you’re quickly reminded that this is just another shitty GoDaddy ad when there is a closeup of Bar making out with a nerd that may or may not have been inspired by middle school me. Or maybe I’m just pissed that I didn’t get a callback for that commercial. And what the hell happened to Danica Patrick?
Clint Eastwood Growls For Two Minutes (2012)
I agree that this was better than Clint talking to a chair, but not by much. Clint just walks around and mumbles things about America that’s supposed to inspire us but honestly I get more inspiration from Bill Pullman in “Independence Day.” “The world is going to hear the roar of our engines” is tough to say with a straight face, so I will give Clint kudos for that. But something tells me that Clint didn’t even know where the hell he was.
Elijah Wood Likes To Gamble (1994)
Sure it was interesting seeing Elijah get an early start on gambling by telling strangers they can’t just eat one chip, but then it takes an awkward turn when that idiot Dan Quayle shows up with his dopey smile and his inability to spell potato and ruins everything. Of course Qualye would lose a bet to a kid; he was only Vice President of this country.
Jerry Seinfeld Is Willing To Give Up Everything For An Acura (2012)
Jerry Seinfeld spends the entire time desperately pleading to a guy to let him be the first person to own the Acura NSX because hey, what else do super rich white comedians do? Oh yeah, they hang out with each other because this commercial gets worse when Jay Leno comes flying in. Two rich people fighting over a car. Ahhh, marketing.