Ever seen something that immediately made your bullshit detector go off? It’s easy to point things out, because we live in an age where lies are everywhere and the truth is hard to find. As an old-timey preacher man once said, “A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”
Here are a few things I’ve found to be 100 percent bovine crap. Let us know if we missed anything – the more baloney we expose the saner as a society we will be.
“Hot girls in your area want to have sex with you right now”
I’m willing to wager there are no hot girls in my area that want to have sex with me, other than the sexless ground sloths browsing the website I’m on as well. It’s a dreadful lie that needs to be eradicated immediately.
In my efforts to research this article, I watched all 160 episodes of “Ghost Hunters,” and wouldn’t you know it, I didn’t see a single ghost. As Matt and Trey poignantly pointed out, the show is basically grown men walking into haunted houses and wetting their pants.
North Korea’s happiness index
In 2011, North Korea came out with their “Global Happiness Index”, ranking the world’s countries according to happiness. China came in first, North Korea came in second, and America came in last. Cuba and Venezuela came right after North Korea – maybe, just maybe because they’re commie twinsies with each other.
Kim Jung-il passed away right after the poll was taken, prompting mass crying, and probably even dropping them down a few notches due to the pain of losing such a dear leader.
Ice Cube is tough
Born O’Shea Jackson, Ice Cube has always and will always be a very talented artist and poet. And that is all. Anyone who can write a majority of the songs on an album as genius as NWA’s “Straight Outta Compton” (while still in high school) is basically a Good Will Hunting.
Mr. Cube, you’ve been a millionaire since you were 19. Please take the “hardness” down a few notches.
Nick Jonas’s bulge
Nick Jonas posed for Flaunt Magazine in 2014 with what appears to be a volleyball in his underpants. It seems like an ethically dubious choice given that the majority of his fans are 10-year-old girls.
Nothing else really needs to be said.
“You have the biggest penis I’ve ever seen”
Lies. Logic says there will always be another man with a bigger penis than you, except one, and he’s long gone playing basketball, professionally dancing at bachelorette parties, or starring in underground pornos. Don’t believe the hype – women are masters at ego inflation.
DeVry University and its for-profit sister University of Phoenix have been at the receiving end of criticism for many years. The most damaging aspect of these bastions of higher education seem to be their dropout rates: 50 percent at DeVry (60 percent for online students), and 95 percent for online students at the University of Phoenix.
It doesn’t help much that DeVry’s CEO receives a salary of $6.4 million, which is nearly 16 times more than the average private university president.
Quality of education is also a concern, as one proud alumnus states in a review: “Take your student loans. Buy a really great pencil. Stick said pencil in eye repeatedly. Repeat until you stop considering DeVry as logical school choice.”
Strip club billboards
I get it. Advertising is important. Strip clubs only want to attract as many tired, moldy construction workers as possible. But for me, it seems like every time they turn on the lights it’s as if vampires are melting. I haven’t been to a strip club in a long time due to misleading billboards.
“Text me your boobs; I won’t show anyone”
To be fair, we too know you aren’t to be trusted with our below-the-belt selfies either, ladies.
If you’re like the majority of people, you probably haven’t written in cursive since you learned it in the second grade. It’s probably an entire waste of time, but who knows – it comes in handy when you write your signature.
Billy Bob Thornton’s hair
It seems like every year Billy Bob Thornton goes further back in time. Someone needs to send him a memo that there’s nothing bad about gracefully going gray. Own it, Karl Childers.
“I lost 245 pounds on the Subway diet”
Jared, we all know you lost 245 pounds doing forearm exercises in front of your computer. (And gross, illegal activities.)
Weren’t we a lot happier as a people when we could say what we wanted when we wanted and not worry about being fired or banished from society? No?