February 17th is Michael Jordan’s 50th birthday. We at Mandatory are big, big MJ fans. Not only did a few of us grow up near Chicago, we were also the perfect age when Jordan dominated the league.
Being a 16-year-old Bulls fan in the 90s was even better than being a Patriots fan at any point in the last 10 years. Because Michael didn’t lose. Ever.
The only way he could not win a title was to play in a different league. It didn’t matter if he had the flu or Bill Cartwright as his center. He was going to win it all. And we loved him for it.
To celebrate his milestone, we put together 50 little tidbits you probably didn’t know about Michael Jordan. We think it’s much better than a cake.
50. He once gambled away his son in a game of Bridge.
49. The “Steve Kerr Incident” was actually an intimate shoulder massage, not a punch to the face as reported.
48. Signs all his autographs “Toni Kukoc.”
47. He’s actually been divorced twice. His first marriage was to Michael Jordan.
46. He’s a 2-time MLB dunk champion.
45. Killed a Russian tourist on the streets of Barcelona in 1992.
44. He doesn’t believe in wind chill.
43. When most celebrities were bleaching their assholes, he had his darkened.
42. Legitimately made every shot in those McDonald’s “Showdown” commercials with Larry Bird.
41. Is a self-admitted chocoholic.
40. Prefers Hanes Her Way to Hanes His Way.
39. He once dressed up as Captain Ahab for Halloween and chased Charles Oakley around like he was a giant whale.
38. “Space Jam” was based on a true story.
37. He shot all of his free throws with his eyes closed but it was only caught on camera once.
36. Every one of his shits begins with a jump from a foul line he painted 15 feet from his toilet.
35. Due to a little-known clause in the Emancipation Proclamation, he was able to purchase Karl Malone.
34. First nickname was Pear Jordan because of his chubby physique in grade school.
33. After watching “Multiplicity,” he made 8 more Jordans that he bounces fashion ideas off of.
32. Stopped using mirrors in 2008. (Which explains the mustache.)
31. The sex acronym known as “ATM” is actually spelled “ATMJ.” But the J is silent.
30. He is also Scottie Pippen.
29. He was separated at birth from his twin brother – Danny DeVito.
28. He’s the reason Bill Cartwright has that weird patch in his goatee.
27. He has never formally met Bill Wennington.
26. He is the author of “Primary Colors.”
25. He did all the choreography for “Juwanna Mann.”
24. His favorite song by Bruno Mars is “the one where he’s not wearing a hat.”
23. When he plays Blackjack, he insists that blackjack is 23, not 21.
22. He fucking hates Ahmad Rashad.
21. Prefers Powerade to Gatorade.
20. He was the one who bit Marv Albert’s back.
19. He only makes appearances at Bobcats games via Tupac hologram technology.
18. Is down with OPP.
17. During the winter, he lives inside Charles Barkley.
16. All of his couch cushions are stuffed with Craig Ehlo’s hair.
15. He’s been on more covers of Cat Fancy magazine than any other athlete in history.
14. He has a penis for every NBA Championship.
13. He’s a natural blonde.
12. During his stint as a minor league baseball player, he couldn’t hit the curveball because he only took the cream, not the clear.
11. He is one of three finalists in contention to be named the next Pope.
10. He gave Lennay Kekua cancer.
9. He worked at Circuit City for the first three years of his career to make ends meet.
8. Once made a four-pointer but it was during a road game against the Vancouver Grizzlies so it technically didn’t count.
7. His butler’s maid’s butler has two maids (and a butler).
6. You get 0 results when you search for “Michael Jordan” on Bing.
5. The last three Air Jordan sneaker releases were just recycled Starburys with the Jordan logo taped onto them.
4. He has never heard of the Internet.
3. Has a humidor full of only candy cigars.
2. He writes all the lyrics for One Direction.
1. Keeps his tongue in during sex.