Dear Manti Te’o,
Hey pal… It’s me, your buddy Lance Armstrong (or is it? Lol jk it’s really me). Now I know we haven’t technically met but I wanted to thank you for taking all the attention off of me. I know you’re probably really nervous right now, so your pal Lance, Dance Revolution (it’s a nickname I’m trying to start, feel free to call me that) came up with a few options to get yourself out of this:
Let’s produce a picture of you and your girlfriend. I took a couple of online Photoshop classes (YouTube) and put together this picture for you. This may solve all your problems.
If that sexy little minx looks familiar, yes, it is country superstar Reba McEntire. I wasn’t sure what nationality you said your girlfriend was so I went with the safe route and combined two. Pretty cool effect huh??
2. Get real cancer
I know it seems like a little much, but people will forgive you. I just saw that movie “50/50” and it totally made me forget that Joseph Gordon Levitt was in that awful bicycle movie. Just consider it. And maybe buy a bunch of microwaves and tanning beds in case you change your mind.
3. Date a high profile celebrity
I’d say make it a Kardashian, but I think the only one who would be willing to sleep with you after this would be Bruce. How about my ex-girlfriend, Sheryl Crow? You could even do that whole celebrity couple name thing, like Mantyl Te’Crow or Sheri Cre’o. She probably won’t go for it, but you can just add her as a friend on Facebook and that pretty much means you guys are married in your mind, AMIRITE?
4. Just don’t talk about it.
Let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time Ray Lewis murdered a guy but then he did fun, wacky Madden commercials with Paul Rudd and everyone forgave him. The end. Instead of talking about it, just completely ignore it and find your own zany commercials to do. Maybe do a NBA Jam commercial with Helen Hunt or a Call of Duty commercial with the guy from Quantum Leap. That show was wild! I had a similar idea but instead of traveling through time to solve crimes, I would travel into the past and hang out with people who don’t hate me. It’s still being pitched around.
Has Oprah called you yet? I know that flesh eating she-monster is lurking in the water, waiting to consume you and your girlfaux-nd (Haha a little joke between pals!). So, what if we turn it on her and actually produce a girlfriend! She came back from the dead! How you ask? We covered her coffin in Livestrong bracelets and their power literally blew the breath of life back into her corpse. Oh man, I would $ell $o many bracelet$…uh I mean, this would help you with your problem. Now the girlfriend has to be someone we trust so, again I put another little Photoshop example together and came up with this idea:
You’re not going to believe this, but THAT’S ACTUALLY ME! Haha it would be a real hoot! I could help you keep the story straight while at the same time looking like that girl from The Fifth Element. Double trouble!
These are just a few ideas for ya pal. I won’t contact you until you contact me so I can know if you’re really interested. I guess you could say the ball is in your court (lol just a little testicle joke, I’m sure you get it). Livestrong Manti! Together we can catfish the world!
– Lance Armstrong
P.S. I’m really enjoying the Te’oing craze. Here’s a picture of me and my imaginary girlfriend after one of my imaginary wins.