Your Guide to Becoming a Teen Heart Throb

Don't let age and ugliness hold you back!

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

Being a teen heart throb like the boys in One Direction certainly has its negative points – becoming a hate figure, having spiteful homophobic comments made about you daily, the endless barrage of death threats – but at the end of the day you're a teen heart throb, the most valuable, if expendable, property in today's music industry. 

There are probably hundreds of things you'd rather be than one, such as an astronaut, a rock star or Batman, but I'd argue that out of all the potential careers out there, a teen heart throb is among one of the best you can have. So without further ado, here is your guide to becoming one.

 

Lesson #1: Get a haircut.

A proper teen icon will boast a haircut that is at least 60% more famous than they are. Without a perfectly straightened fringe/strategically tousled curls you are nothing more than some wannabee with a pop song and testicle-hugging jeans.

 

Lesson #2: Dump your girlfriend.

Your fans are your girlfriend now. Sure, you won't legally be able to have sex with any of them, but by becoming involved in a relationship with someone other than them you are effectively opening that girl up to a torrent of abuse and criticism regarding her looks, weight, height, shoe size and the length of her eyebrows. However, if you must insist on having a girlfriend, at least take a tip from Bieber and make sure she is also famous – at least then she'll be able to hire a team of bodyguards to protect her from 14-year-olds armed with sniper rifles and low self-esteem.

 

Lesson #3: Release non-specific songs about love.

It's technically impossible for you to refer to each and every one of your female fans in your music, but they'll be so dazzled by those curls of yours that as you turn to the camera and sing "I love you, babe"/"babe, will you be my babe?/"babe, you're a babe, babe" fathers' wallets worldwide will open in unison as you sail right into their daughters' impressionable hearts and to the top of the Billboard charts.

 

Lesson #4: Start irritating Twitter trends

You could be forgiven for thinking that Twitter was a forum for fans of Justin Bieber, One Direction and co to discuss their chosen teen idol's eye colour/favourite flavour of ice cream to an annoying length. A quick browse through the top trending topics will reveal hashtags such as "#BieberHasMyHeart", "#ReplaceOneDirectionSongsWithTheWordSpatula" and "#IWishKevinJonasWouldStopBeingSuchAVirginAndMarryMe". By harnessing the power of Twitter you'll continue your slow domination of the world, one over-enthusiastic fangirl at a time.

 

Lesson #5: Make a movie

You've barely made it past puberty yet the only next possible direction to take your career in is an autobiographical movie. Floppy haircut + 3D +??? = Profit.

But how will the director make a documentary about a teen idol interesting? The short answer is: he won't. What he will do, however, is collect a number of clips of you as a baby (cute!), couple it with some clips of you and your family (sweet!) and then intersperse it with footage of you performing one of your bombastic shows in "EYE-POPPING" 3D before marketing it directly to your existing fan base. Never Say Never, unless you're saying "I'll never willingly sit down and watch this shit".