Do you ever walk down the street and find yourself overwhelmed with the uncontrollable urge to jump onto the heads of oncoming passers-by? Do you ever frantically take cover behind walls in order to prepare for the oncoming gunfire of an evil enemy alien horde? Do you call your wallet an ‘inventory’?
If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the questions above, you play too many video games. But don’t worry – we all do. That is why sometimes those videogames seep into our real lives and we start comparing the people we meet in real life to videogame characters. Here are a few examples:
Our Successful Older Brother is… Mario
Although the Mario Brothers’ world is different from ours, many comparisons can still be drawn. While we’re jealous of our older brothers’ cool job and high-paying salary, Luigi is jealous of Mario’s red dungarees. While we’re jealous of our older brothers’ easy charm and good looks, Luigi is jealous of the fact that Mario gets to plaster his face over every kart racer, tennis game and mini-game collection Nintendo ever puts out, despite the fact that nobody ever picks Mario in those games anyway. While we’re jealous of our older brothers’ hot girlfriend, Luigi… actually, that one is kind of the same.
Our Boss is… Dr. Eggman
Dr. Eggman is a completely incompetent buffoon, yet there he is waving around his PhD just to annoy us. Our boss is a completely incompetent buffoon, yet he earns more money than us and doesn’t let us forget about it. Both our boss and Dr. Eggman employ a legion of nameless robots just waiting to be trampled on. Unfortunately for us we’re not an impossibly quick blue hedgehog, so the only means of thwarting our boss is spitting in his coffee when his back is turned.
Our Mom is… Mom from Pokemon
You wake up one morning and question what you are doing with your life. You’re 28, you live with your parents and when you go to withdrew money the cash machine shows nothing on its screen but a picture of a moth fluttering in the breeze. You walk downstairs, look at your Mom and say: “Mom, I’m moving out!” She looks at you. “Thank f*** for that!” she yells, before helping you pack your bag and metaphorically kicking your arse straight out that front door.
Don’t worry, though, because Red/Blue’s mom did exactly the same thing. After hearing that her only child will be setting off to indulge in animal abuse throughout the country, she simply stands before him and wishes him good luck. Not even so much as a hug. No wonder Red/Blue spend the rest of their days throwing metal balls at defenceless animals.
We are… Ethan Mars
One day you wake up in your lavish house with your beautiful wife and children, the next you’re divorced while mourning the loss of one of said beautiful children whilst trying to find the other, who has been inexplicably kidnapped by a murderer with a penchant for origami.
Yup, the rain cloud certainly pours over Heavy Rain’s protagonist Ethan, and we can’t help but empathise with his plight. Sure, we may not exactly find ourselves traversing through a maze made out of electric fences, nor will we ever be forced to severe one of our fingers (hopefully), but yesterday we went to Starbucks and ordered a latte that turned out to be a mocha, then we stood in dog shit and had to wipe it off with a tissue while passing cars watched us.
We feel your pain, Ethan.
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