By now you’ve probably already heard that the bookies favourite for this year’s X Factor winners’ song is Damien Rice’s “Cannonball”. If you hadn’t heard, then let me be the first to tell you that Damien Rice’s “Cannonball” is the bookies favourite for this year’s X Factor winners’ song. Glad we got that out of the way. Let’s continue.
As per usual the “real music fans” have ventured online to slate the song choice, a similar reaction to the one they had when Cowell & co. decided it would be a good idea to let 2008’s batch of warbling prima donna’s murder David Bowie’s “Heroes”.
So what should be 2011’s winner’s song? Here are a few candidates that I think would be a better fit.
John Lennon & Yoko Ono: Happy Xmas (War is Over)
Remember when Gordon Brown asked Simon Cowell to produce a charity single to raise money for the victims of the Haiti earthquake? Remember when Cowell decided that the most apt song to represent the plight of the Haitians was R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts”. Yeah. That wasn’t the most well thought out of song choices, was it? Even though I’m sure Cowell’s heart was in the right place, he might as well have had Susan Boyle take to the microphone and say “fucking hell, it’s just an earthquake: get over it.”
So with that in mind, while an arguably pointless war rages in the middle-east, why not have Little Mix take on John Lennon’s Christmas classic while a black ‘n’ white montage of our troops over in Iraq plays poignantly in the background. Give peace a chance, yeah?
Sex Pistols: Anarchy in the UK
While it would have been nice to have seen Frankie Cocozza take on this punk call to arms, microphone in one hand and his dick in the other, it would still please me to watch Misha B deliver a po-faced rendition of the Sex Pistols’ anti-establishment anthem. “I am the anti-christ!” she’d scream, her silly haircut propped on top of her head like a 99 flake, as she flipped the bird to the camera. You go, girl.
The Smiths: There is a Light That Never Goes Out
When Slow Millie’s cover of “Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want” sound-tracked John Lewis’ saccharine John Lewis ad, Smiths fans immediately took to YouTube to let the world know that they were displeased. Regardless of the fact that both Morrissey and Marr actually liked the cover, each time a naïve commenter would politely praise the song without actually knowing it was a cover version, an irate Smiths fan would then proceed to make it his mission to pretentiously educate said commenter, in a way that couldn’t be more condescending if they had lowered their monocle and swirled their scotch on the rocks as they did so.
Therefore, this year the X Factor’s winner’s song should be The Smiths’ “There is a Light That Never Goes Out”.
Frank Sinatra: My Way
There is an X Factor cliché that is becoming more and more apparent as each year goes by; when a contestant is eliminated from the show, they’ll run to the nearest tabloid and wax lyrical of how the show “changed them as an artist”, despite the show being the one and only leg-up into the music industry that they would have had anyway. Last year’s winner Matt Cardle said it after his career failed to take off, and this year’s Janet Devlin said it after she somehow forgot the words to Hanson’s “Mmmbop”.
So why not force this year’s winner to sing Frank Sinatra’s “My Way”, a song about a person’s refusal to follow the system and their insistence on doing things, well, their way. As their post-X Factor career fizzles into obscurity as their record label misguidedly issues them with a batch of increasingly awful songs, Cowell can sit back in his luxury leather sofa, margarita in hand, and laugh to himself at the irony of it all. Just like he did with Haiti*.
*Simon Cowell almost definitely did not laugh about Haiti.