As gamers we’ve had to come to terms with the fact that reality is never going to be as exciting as the world we experience when turning on our 360’s. We’re never going to have a Ferrari, Lamborghini and Delorean sharing the same garage as we do in Forza 4, or find ourselves sending an incompetent dragon/turtle hybrid hurtling to his fiery, lava-filled doom as we do in the Super Mario games.
But what if real life was like videogames? What if it was filled with all the absurdity, over-the-top violence and checkpoints that your average PS3 release was? Fortunately I’ve spent many of my waking hours envisaging myself bouncing on the heads of surly subway station patrons like they were Goomba’s, so here’s a rundown of how your life would alter if you suddenly found yourself pixelated.
You’re in the middle of an intellectual debate with a couple of your friends: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate Stacey’s arse?” asks Dave. “I’d probably give it about a n… n… n… ni… n…” you reply. “What’s wrong him?” asks Dave, “Is he having a stroke?!” “Don’t worry,” Keith replies calmly, “he’s just got a shitty connection”.
Maybe it’s your slow internet speed; maybe it’s the fact that your little brother is downloading porn in the next room; whatever the reason, you’re currently stuck mid-sentence while your buddies use this ample opportunity to steal your beer. Looks like it’s time to turn you off and back on again.
End of Level Boss
After a long day at the office, it’s time to sit through your monthly appraisal. It’s been a difficult month so you were already worried about it, but nothing prepared you for what was coming next…
You enter the giant, red door that leads to his office. He laughs in that big, booming, evil laugh of his. He then proceeds to throw three fireballs at you, which you must then dodge. His head flashes – that must be his weak spot! You dodge another few fireballs before picking up a coffee mug and throwing it at his flashing cranium. You do this three times before he recoils in defeat. You’ve won! You’ve also received a promotion! This calls for a celebration – time to crack open the Medi-Packs!
You walk up to a couple of attractive girls sitting at the bar. “Here I am,” you say smugly, “now what were your other two wishes?” One of the girls laughs in your face, whilst the other almost projectile vomits. No matter, you say to yourself; you didn’t save anyway. You simply restart the level, sauntering over to the girls at the bar once again, this time armed with a different chat-up line that you hope will garner a better reaction.
That’s the beauty of checkpoints; never again will you find yourself overwhelmed by life, not when you can simply turn off and start over again.
Nowadays everything revolves around material possessions; iMacs, nice shoes, cool cars. But what if money was no longer an issue? What if, instead of earning dollars for doing a job you hate, you instead earned XP for doing awesome things?
In the world of gaming XP is most commonly earned by landing a perfect headshot, but as shooting civilians is distinctly uncool you’ll instead earn it by doing menial yet fulfilling things, such as going for a morning run or, I dunno, giving your dog a bath. OK, so this sounds a bit boring, but think about it – after running each morning for 3 months straight to reach that coveted level 50, not only will you have reached Prestige, but you will also have calves that feel like they are made out of steel, and you’ll have also unlocked the golden running shorts.
Who needs to show off their myriad of Apple products when they’ve got GOLDEN RUNNING SHORTS?!