Game of Thrones: Fake Fan Fiction

I know there are swords in it. That's it. Now read my fan fic.

Sam Wellerby Sam Weller

I have not watched minute one of "Game of Thrones" the show, or read one word of it's extensive book cycle. I was aware (overheard a friend talking about it) that a lot of exposition happens while characters are having sex. This is the only thing I know about "Game of Thrones". But that won't stop me from writing the best fan fiction ever about "Game of Thrones". I know that one guy who played Boromir is in it, and with that in mind I give you an excerpt of what I think the fan fiction for "Game of Thrones" would read like.  

…Peer into my writer's soul and attempt not to weep tears of joy as your life changes with every syllable I type.




King Boromir woke with the anger of a thousand Hobbits.  

Beneath four layers of deerskin bedding he stirred. Every yawn and groan shook the rocks that formed the walls of his resting chamber. The sun began to rise and cast it's light upon the world for another day. But Boromir's mind had been shaken to it's core for he had ingested countless flaggons of mead and bone marrow from unicorn horns the night previous. But as the monarch of the land of Wishful Thinking, he had duties to attend to.

Boromir was to invade Iceland on this day, and nary a moment could be spared in thoughts lacking blood and violence. Boromir pulled his massive sword "Apocolypticus" from it's shealth and stood gallantly on top of his royal futon, stark naked in all his muscular glory. A woman's groan was heard.  

Whores were strewn everywhere.

The previous night's conquest included the voluptuous and experimental wife of his close friend Lord Tufferton, as well as three Hispanic lesbian elves and a satyr. The gender of the satyr was not known, for after ravaging it Boromir, in a fit of intoxication, ordered it executed by his royal guard.

"Leaving so soon, oh great and powerful Boromir?" It was Jezebel Tufferton. Her floor length blond locks artfully framed her porcelain pale skin and huge bustline. "Nary a moment after sharing the most strenuously erotic and narrative informing night of our lives, and you already have your 'other' sword in hand? Why not 'slay' me once more?"

"Begone from sight hag." Boromir bellowed. "Before this day is through I shall finally have rid Wishful Thinking of the scourge of Iceland. And have bedded all their women. You shall do well to arrange your clothes to your bodice and leave. A word more and I shall not hesitate to exile you and your husband to The Peaks of Intense Furrowing."

Jezebel was squelched from protest. The Peaks of Intense Furrowing were a desolate mountain range where one is said to die from unbearable frustration. From what none are sure. But it is feared as a place worse than death. Jezelbel Tufferton disappeared into the shadows of Castle Skulldrudgery, but not before shooting a look that would freeze ice into the back of Boromir's head. She was not a woman to be scorned so easily.

King Boromir donned his pantaloons, nothing else, and left his chamber.

Later that day Boromir handily defeated Iceland's forces after using dragon siege engine technology. A soldier from Wishful Thinking called the battle "mundane" and "under par" for a typical takeover.



King Boromir had ruled the land of Wishful Thinking for over an Age now. In the Third Age of The House of Ernst, his great great great grandfather, Anthrocus Pilates had betrothed Merylln of House Rothshielder who then begat Ersaz, their only son, who defeated Lionel The Deflowerer of House Crimson Bane in hand to hand combat in the hills of Urg. Due to the Treaty of Simpher, Ersaz was forced to wait until his fourteenth birthday to wed and impregnate the Queen of the House of Desmond, who had previously conspired with Lionel The Deflowerer until her third sister Rosa faked an assassination attempt on his life to escape the grieving loss of her second child Gregory. Gregory, who was later revealed by the Orb of Revelations to have not been fully dead, was then resurrected by Ersaz to be the stand-in for his true son Odin when Odin died of canine influenza. Gregory grew strong and intelligent, becoming the bandit king of Nolshannish-Bolga, and is rumored to have started the form of music known as "Hool".

Gregory begat Winstonry Calabash, who changed his last name from Ernst in a fit of youthful rebellion. After being hypnotized by the Dreaded Pirate Witch Simone, Winstonry changed his name back to Ernst and began The War of a Hundred Thousand Peasant Deaths with the maligned offspring of the legitimate family of the Queen of The House of Desmond, who had survived to this point by consuming copious amounts of unicorn marrow. After the decisive "slash and burn" tactics of orc general Imperious Yuggralk were used on the city state of St. Ernst, Winstonry conceded defeat and married Heather. Heather begat thirteen children. The first twelve being girls Winstonry flew into madness for a son, and on the day she was to be hung for disservice to her husband, a very pregnant Heather gave birth to Lynt "The Miracle" Ernst just as the noose was being tightened over her head. Lynt lost his virginity to the elf priestess Nomi Pelle Har Har and later lost his Kingdom of Wishful Thinking in a card game to his eldest son…Boromir.

Nothing else interesting happened for four hundred years until Jezelbel Tufferton's subtle and brilliant political maneuvering finally gave her seventeenth godson the throne of The House of Ernst. Her protracted revenge finally completed one hundred and fifty-three years after her death against King Boromir who had died two hundred and thirty-seven years previous. 




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