Every man has fantasised about becoming a masked vigilante. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We all have dreamt that one day we’ll be able to protect our city armed with nothing but a marvellous cape and nigh-on superhuman martial arts skills.
Right now in the UK we could do with a hero, as our major cities (including my hometown Birmingham) descend into a lawless inferno worryingly reminiscent of Escape from New York. But how do we average Joe’s go about becoming a one man army capable of taking down our society’s criminal underworld? Why, by following this simple 4-step process of course.
Get yourself a respectable costume
The Dark Knight Rises led us to believe that a gang of mobsters carrying ak47’s would be threatened by a guy dressed up like a bat. If Batman were to exist in real-life it’s safe to assume that, were he to drop down on armed enemies and start snarling at them like he’d just gargled a bucket of gravel, he’d probably be greeted with uproarious laughter before being shot several times in both the face and sternum.
To avoid such embarrassment you’re going to want to be less flamboyant with your choice of attire. Keep it plain and simple, and even though it’s tempting, avoid wearing your underwear above your trousers.
No one is going to be intimidated by your scrawny frame sidling on over to them in the name of justice. If you’re going to take this vigilantism seriously, you’re going to need to start working out a bit. Now before you start envisioning a lengthy trip to the Himalayas with Liam Neeson, I should make it clear that regardless of what training you undergo, you’re still only likely to be able to take on 3 guys maximum. To be honest even then you may struggle a bit. At least all that exercising you did will mean that you can run away faster though, right? RIGHT?!
Give yourself an awesome pseudonym
If you’re going to be prowling the streets protecting your community from crime, then you’re going to want a cool name to run alongside news stories documenting your good deeds. Most superheroes choose a name that either describes their motive or their powers: you, however, have a very simple motive and no discernible superpowers. But Averageman doesn’t really cut it, does it? No, you want a name that will strike fear into the hearts of criminals, inspire innocent civilians, and make women’s underwear magically vanish at the mere mention of it, which will conjure up mighty images of Godlike strength whilst simultaneously compensating for your tiny penis. I name you… Alpha-man.
Get yourself a sidekick
Let’s face it: you’re going to make a terrible superhero. This isn’t Batman Begins, this isn’t Iron Man, this isn’t even Kick-Ass. You can’t just waltz on up to a bunch of bloodthirsty thugs and single-handedly take them down using nothing but your bare hands and whatever resources are available thanks to your family’s enormous wealth. In fact, if your family were as wealthy as that of Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark’s, you’d probably just get the first plane available out of whatever shithole you’re living in and go and live in a remote island off the coast of Indonesia.
This is where your sidekick will come in. Your sidekick will need to be so bad that no matter how badly you f*** up defending your city, the public will only ever point the finger of blame at him. While you skulk the city in a black vest complete with a black balaclava and black shin-high boots, your lackey will be forced to don a leotard in a rather garish shade of purple and a mask that barely conceals his eyes, let alone his identity. If done correctly, tomorrow’s headline will read:
BETA-BOY EMBARRASSES HIMSELF AND OUR FINE CITY!
Alpha-man was also there…