Look, I know it’s tough to admit it, but you found Lara Croft attractive. Yes, she’s a video game character and the only guys who find video game characters hot are basement-dwelling, acne-ridden social R-Tards, but c’mon – Lara Croft was a perfectly arousing collection of pixels.
Sure, it’s weird when you consider the fact that she was probably created by some pervert designer, his hand down his pants as he stencilled in the curve of her ass, but if you put that image to the back of your mind then we do not blame you for Googling “Lara Croft cosplay”.
But here’s the thing: female videogame characters are so hot because they’ve predominantly been designed by men. If they were to exist in reality, you wouldn’t stand a chance with them. Unless, of course, you follow these 5 simple tips that I have devised just in case you ever come into contact with one of these completely-imaginary-yet-sexy-yet-entirely-fictional-characters. Hey, it’s always good to be prepared.
Be a complete asshole
If Rockstar Games has taught us anything, it’s that women favour the morally bankrupt. One minute you’re helping Bonnie Macfarlane herd cattle, the next you’re tying a Nun to a train track and giggling maniacally as the locomotive steamrolls over her body, taking your horse with it in the process. And after that display of complete and utter douchebaggery, you sidle into the local tavern and have the gall to politely refuse a prostitute by stating that you’re “taken”.
WTF man?! You’ve just mercilessly murdered a Lady of God and your faithful steed for the sake of a few gamerpoints, yet adultery is where you draw the line? Bafflingly, this technique seems to work. Not only does blonde beauty Bonnie have the hots for you, but you’ve also managed to have bag yourself a wife, too. I’m guessing she doesn’t ask you why you keep returning home with a different horse, though.
Be willing to drop whatever you’re doing to rescue her.
I’m going to assume I’m not the only one whose childhood has been molested by the above image.
A lot of people seem to paint Mario, Link etc as saps, saying that they spend all of their time rescuing Peach, Zelda & co. without even being rewarded with a shag afterwards. To those people I say “fools!” of COURSE they’re getting a little something for their troubles. Those games were made in the 80s/90s and directed at kids – they couldn’t actually show the moment where Peach leads Mario behind the bike sheds by his todger and furiously beats his mushroom. It’s all implied.
Y’know the ending of Super Mario World where Peach gives Mario a kiss on the cheek and he blushes? Yeah, well Nintendo were originally going to have her give him oral, but at the last minute they cut it out afraid that it wouldn’t “appeal to the Western audience”. The Japanese version still has it in though, meaning that they have both the REAL Super Mario Bros. 2 and the secret SMW blowjob ending. Gosh, it just makes your blood boil, doesn’t it?
Be silent. Don’t even cough.
If you’re a good ladies man, you don’t need to say a single word to get the ladies to form an orderly line at your feet. I don’t just mean you should play the “quiet and introverted” card, either. I mean you should be completely silent. Not a murmur. If you’re good at pulling it off, those around you won’t even question why they’ve spent 8 hours in your company and the most contact they’ve received from you is a blank, dead-eyed stare.
I mean, what would you say to them anyway? They’ve explained the narrative of this story for you. All you need is a gun. That’s all a man ever needs to turn a girl on. That and a penchant for bringing justice to the evil alien hordes. And a goatee. Chicks love goatees.
Be the lead suspect in a child murder case
Your wife left you, blaming you for the death of your son. You’re unsure whether or not you’re responsible for a series of child murders. You’ve got no money. You’re living in a shitty motel. Could things get any worse? Well actually, yes they could. Because while you seem to have hit rock bottom and are well on your way to becoming The Most Depressing Man to Ever Grace the Planet Earth, you’ve also managed to attract the attention of a ridiculously hot brunette.
How? I honestly have no idea, but I’d say your best bet would be to drop everything and go elope with her somewhere. I’d even give up on trying to find that kidnapped kid of yours. C’mon, it’s not like you fathered the brightest sparks, is it? I mean, look how many times you shouted “JASON!” at the other one, and yet he still managed to get hit by a car.